Beyond Protocol: Personal Diplomacy in Defense Relations
By: Major David Sparks, U.S. Army
Disclaimer: the views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not reflect the official policy or position of the Department of Defense or the U.S. Government.
Introduction: Diplomacy Happens in the Margins
Diplomacy is often thought of as a formal, tightly orchestrated process: treaties signed, speeches delivered, and photo ops captured for posterity. But those of us who live it daily know better. Diplomacy’s most transformative moments do not happen in grand chambers—they happen in the margins.[i] They unfold in the moments where human connection breaks through protocol, where respect transcends cultural divides, and where trust is built one gesture at a time.
As foreign area officers (FAOs), we operate at the intersection of structure and humanity. While protocol provides the framework, it is the relationships built in quiet moments that bring agreements to life. These relationships are not formed overnight. They require preparation, cultural understanding, and the ability to adapt.[ii]
In my role as executive liaison agent for the Secretary of Defense and the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, I have had the privilege of witnessing how these moments shape not only relationships but also outcomes of global significance. From jogging through the Stanford campus with Australia’s deputy prime minister to orchestrating an intensely intricate and multifaceted visit with Saudi Arabia’s minister of defense, I have seen firsthand how attention to detail and respect for culture turn routine interactions into moments of enduring impact.
This article offers actionable lessons drawn from these experiences, showing how FAOs can use personal diplomacy to bridge divides, build trust, and amplify their strategic impact.
Trust Begins in the Margins
Every FAO knows that trust is a cornerstone of diplomacy. It is built in the unstructured moments that happen between the official agenda items. These are the moments when you can connect—not as representatives of governments, but as people.
The Run That Built Unity
In December 2023, I was tasked with escorting Deputy Prime Minister Richard Marles of Australia during his U.S. visit as part of the Australia/United Kingdom/United States (AUKUS) trilateral security pact. As part of my preparation, I researched his background and discovered his deep admiration for Tiger Woods. This was not just trivia—it was an opportunity to connect on a personal level. Knowing he was a runner, and with the help of a co-worker, I planned a route through Stanford University that ended at the very golf course where Woods had trained during his college years.
As we jogged through Stanford’s picturesque campus that morning, I was not just leading a run—I was creating an experience. We talked about everything from the history of the university to the family situations we have in common. By the time we reached the golf course, Marles was visibly moved. He took a moment to soak in the setting, then turned to me and said, “This is the highlight of my visit.”[iii]
This was not about impressing him. It was about showing that I’d taken the time to understand what mattered to him. That small gesture of thoughtfulness did not just make the visit memorable—it built a foundation of trust. Marles left Stanford knowing his time in the U.S. was not just about official meetings but about fostering real relationships.
Integrated Lesson:
Personal diplomacy relies on shared experiences. By tailoring interactions to the values and interests of counterparts, you empower them to feel valued and respected, building stronger coalitions over time. Building trust requires effort, authenticity, and the willingness to prioritize others’ values over your own agenda.
Actionable Advice:
Prepare Thoughtfully: Research personal interests and find opportunities to create meaningful experiences.
Invest in Informal Moments: Use shared activities to connect on a personal level.
Build Trust Early: Relationships forged in quiet moments provide a foundation for collaboration.
Master Cultural Intelligence: The Key to Adaptation
Diplomacy is not just about understanding policies or following protocol; it is about navigating the intricate web of values, beliefs, and traditions that shape how people perceive and interact with the world. Cultural intelligence (CQ) is the ability to adapt to different cultural contexts with sensitivity and respect.[iv] For FAOs, CQ is not just a skill—it is a multiplier that enhances every interaction, opening doors to trust, collaboration, and meaningful partnerships.
Montenegro’s Minister: Preparation Meets Opportunity
At the 2024 NATO Summit, I was responsible for the logistics of multiple ministers of defense. One country of particular interest to me was Montenegro. As a FAO, I had spent several years learning Serbo-Croatian so I was prepared to welcome Minister of Defense Dragan Krapović of Montenegro. Reflecting on years of daily study without immersion, I often wondered if the effort would ever pay off.[v]
When Minister Krapović arrived, I greeted him in his native language: “Dobrodošli u Sjedinjene Američke Države, ministre Krapoviću.” His face lit up immediately. That short interaction set the tone for the rest of the visit. Speaking in his language for just three minutes demonstrated respect for his culture and created a connection that extended beyond protocol.
Later, during his departure, we had a longer conversation about Montenegro’s challenges within NATO. As a smaller nation, Montenegro faced pressures to contribute meaningfully to the Alliance while balancing its limited resources. Krapović shared his pride in his country’s resilience and his hopes for its future. That conversation was not about fluency—it was about effort. By speaking to him in his own language, I showed that his presence mattered and valued Montenegro’s contributions to NATO.
Integrated Lesson:
Effort in language and culture is not just a gesture; it is a declaration of respect, aligning with the principle that connection often starts with acknowledging someone’s values.
Actionable Advice:
Invest in Language Learning: Even a few well-chosen words in someone’s language can create a connection that transcends barriers.
Understand the Context: Smaller nations often face unique pressures. Acknowledge these challenges to build trust and demonstrate empathy.
Singapore’s Chief of Defense: Beyond the Language
In October 2024, I assisted in escorting Singapore’s Chief of Defense on a multi-state U.S. tour. This was not just a logistical challenge—it was an opportunity to apply lessons I had learned during my six years in Taiwan, where I gained insight into East Asian cultural values. While English is widely spoken in Singapore, I used Mandarin Chinese during informal moments to demonstrate cultural understanding.[vi]
By the end of the tour, the Chief of Defense shared that the visit had strengthened U.S.-Singapore ties. Their gratitude was not just for the logistical support but for the respect shown to their values and traditions.
Integrated Lesson:
Cultural intelligence builds connections by respecting traditions and treating cultural differences as opportunities rather than obstacles.
Actionable Advice:
Learn the Cultural “Why”: Understanding the values behind cultural practices helps navigate them authentically.
Adapt Communication Styles: Tailor your approach to reflect cultural priorities like hierarchy, precision, or indirect communication.
A Moment of Reflection with Secretary Neto
Cultural intelligence is not just about formalities—it is about understanding the emotional and historical context that shapes a nation’s perspective. This truth became clear during a visit from Angolan Secretary of State for Military Industry, Alfonso Carlos Neto, in 2024.
After a day of meetings at the Pentagon, Secretary Neto’s delegation stopped at the gift shop. By chance, they encountered a group of Ukrainian veterans, many of whom bore visible scars of war—prosthetics, crutches, and other signs of the physical toll they had endured. The sight was profoundly moving for Neto and many in his delegation. This was a topic of discussion among themselves, especially given Angola’s historical ties to Russia. The meeting at the Pentagon represented a shift to align more closely with American defense priorities while moving away from historical ties to adversaries like Russia.
Later that evening, I accompanied Neto on a private tour of Arlington National Cemetery. After witnessing the reverence that our country has for the fallen, he spoke about Angola’s history of conflict and the lingering scars it had left on his people. “War does not just end when the fighting stops,” he said. “It stays in the hearts of the people.” We continued to engage in a one-on-one conversation for half an hour as we waited to head to dinner.
That conversation was not about defense strategy or policy—it was about shared humanity. It highlighted the importance of understanding not just a nation’s present but also its past. By recognizing Angola’s past, I was able to approach the relationship with empathy, paving the way for deeper cooperation.
Integrated Lesson:
Personal connections and listening to a nation’s history pave the way for strategic alignment by fostering mutual understanding and trust.
Actionable Advice:
Acknowledge History: Understanding a nation’s past can provide invaluable context for its present priorities.
Create Space for Reflection: Moments of vulnerability can deepen trust and align goals.
The Power of Listening
If there is one lesson that unites all these experiences, it is this: listening is the foundation of cultural intelligence. In each of these stories, the moments that mattered most were not the ones where I spoke—they were the ones where I listened.
In Montenegro, the Minister’s warmth during our Serbo-Croatian exchanges was not just about the words spoken but the shared understanding conveyed through attentive listening. Similarly, with Singapore's chief of defense, conversations in Mandarin revealed cultural nuances that formal dialogue could not. The encounter with Secretary Neto at Arlington demonstrated that listening goes beyond words; it involves creating space for reflection and acknowledging shared humanity. Listening opens the door to trust.
Listening is not passive—it is an active, intentional process that requires focus, humility, and empathy.[vii] It is about more than hearing words; it is about understanding the values, emotions, and aspirations behind them. This ability to truly listen transforms transactional interactions into relational ones, where counterparts feel valued and respected.
Cultural Intelligence in Action
Cultural intelligence is not a checklist—it is a mindset. It is about approaching every interaction with curiosity, humility, and a willingness to learn. It is recognizing that what works in one context may not work in another and adapting accordingly. It also means treating cultural differences not as obstacles but as opportunities to connect.
For FAOs, mastering CQ is not optional—it is essential. It is what allows us to turn logistical tasks into meaningful engagements, casual conversations into lasting partnerships, and cultural differences into bridges of understanding.
Balance Protocol with Connection
Protocol is the framework upon which diplomacy operates, offering structure and predictability to complex engagements. But protocol alone is not enough. True diplomacy thrives when protocol is balanced with personal connection.[viii] It is in those moments where human connection and flexibility meet that trust is built, and strategic objectives are advanced.
As a FAO, this balance requires you to wear many hats: diplomat, problem-solver, and bridge-builder. It means knowing when to follow the rules and when to adapt to the unexpected—without losing sight of the larger mission.
Coordinating with a Three-Star at Quantico: Influence Through Respect
In 2023, I was tasked with escorting French Chief of Defense General Thierry Burkhard, to Quantico, where he would meet with senior U.S. Marine Corps leaders to discuss expeditionary operations. The visit was meant to strengthen cooperation between France and the U.S., particularly in regions like Africa, where France faced increasing security challenges.
The logistical complexity of the visit was daunting. General Burkhard needed to be transported from the Pentagon to Quantico on a tight schedule, with limited room for error. The solution: leveraging an MV-22 Osprey for the first-ever flight to land on the Pentagon’s newly installed tarmac. However, coordinating this required me to request significant logistical support from Lieutenant General Karsten Heckl, a Marine Corps general at Quantico. As a major, this put me in a position of coordinating with senior leaders—a situation that could easily become tense if mishandled.
Instead of relying solely on my position as the liaison for the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, I approached the task with a focus on respect and collaboration. I outlined the critical importance of the visit, the rationale behind the requests, and how the adjustments would contribute to the mission’s success. General Heckl, known for his professionalism, responded not with hesitation but with immediate support.
The visit was a success. The use of the Osprey impressed the French delegation, and the discussions at Quantico provided actionable insights for France’s operations in Africa. The experience reinforced a key lesson: influence is most effective when paired with respect.
Integrated Lesson:
Leadership is not about issuing directives—it is about creating buy-in. By explaining the purpose behind your requests and treating high-ranking officials with respect, you ensure cooperation and trust.
Actionable Advice:
Lead With Clarity: When coordinating with senior leaders, focus on the mission’s objectives and provide clear rationale.
Respect Hierarchies: Even when coordinating with higher-ranking officials, approach the task with professionalism and deference to their expertise.
The Complexity of Respect: Hosting the Saudi Minister of Defense
In October 2023, I was tasked with coordinating a visit for Saudi Arabian Minister of Defense Prince Khalid bin Salman Al Saud. As the second in line to the Saudi throne, his visit was not just a matter of logistics—it was an exercise in understanding and honoring cultural values that were unfamiliar to many on our team.
From the moment his three private planes touched down, it was clear that this visit was unlike any I had managed before. A convoy of 80 luxury vehicles awaited the delegation, ready to transport the visitors to three separate hotels, each meticulously chosen to accommodate the prince, his staff, and his security detail. Every aspect of this visit, from the transportation to the meeting venues, required a level of precision and reverence that reflected the values of Saudi culture.
What struck me most during this process was the emphasis on honor and respect. Every decision—from the arrangement of seating at meetings to the timing of meals—was steeped in tradition. Early in the planning stages, I worked closely with the prince’s team to understand these expectations. They patiently explained the cultural significance behind many of their requests, emphasizing the need to ensure that every interaction conveyed respect for their delegation’s stature.
At first, some of these requests felt foreign to the way we typically operate in the United States. But as I immersed myself in their perspective, I began to see how these traditions were not just formalities—they were expressions of deep cultural values. For example, I learned that the prince’s elaborate wardrobe was not just a display of wealth but a symbol of his role and responsibility. The respect shown to him extended to the entire delegation, reinforcing the idea that every individual in their culture is part of a larger, interconnected whole.
A lighthearted moment during this otherwise formal visit occurred at the Eisenhower Building. It was Halloween, and the hallways were filled with trick-or-treating children. Surrounded by kids in superhero costumes, the prince, wearing his traditional robes, joked, “I’ve dressed up for the occasion.” The humor of the moment broke through the formality, leaving a lasting impression on everyone present.
Later, I had the privilege of speaking one on one with Princess Reema bint Bandar Al Saud, Saudi Arabia’s ambassador to the United States. Her poise, vision, and grace left a profound impression on me. She spoke about the progress of women’s rights in Saudi Arabia and her hope for deeper collaboration with the U.S. What struck me most was her ability to balance tradition with forward-thinking ambition—a lesson in itself for any FAO navigating the complexities of global relationships.
By the end of the visit, I had gained a new appreciation for the importance of respecting cultural traditions. The effort we put into honoring their values was not just noticed—it was celebrated. The prince’s team expressed their gratitude for the respect we had shown, reinforcing the idea that diplomacy is most effective when it is rooted in cultural understanding.
Integrated Lesson:
Reverence for another’s culture is not just courteous—it is essential. As FAOs, it is our responsibility to learn and adapt to the traditions of those we engage with. Respect for cultural practice builds trust, facilitates collaboration, and ensures that relationships are more than transactional. It is not our job to impose American norms—it is our job to bridge the gap between cultures, finding common ground without erasing differences.
Actionable Advice:
Adapt to Cultural Values: Protocol is important, but so is flexibility. Understand what matters to your counterparts and be willing to adjust.
Find Moments of Connection: Humor, when appropriate, can break tension and humanize interactions.
Be Flexible to Cultural Differences: Flexibility does not weaken diplomacy—it strengthens it by respecting both structure and humanity.
Balancing Act: Protocol vs. Connection
Balancing protocol with connection is not easy. It requires you to navigate shifting dynamics, anticipate needs, and remain flexible without compromising professionalism. But it is in this balance that diplomacy finds its strength.
As a FAO, your role is not just to follow the script—it is to read the room, adapt to the moment, and create an environment where trust and collaboration can thrive.
The Strategic Impact of Personal Diplomacy
As FAOs, our work does not end with facilitating meetings or managing logistics. Every interaction, every conversation, and every cultural bridge we build has a ripple effect that extends far beyond the immediate moment. Personal diplomacy has a direct impact on strategic outcomes, shaping not only partnerships but also the policies and priorities that drive global security.[ix]
Angola: Moving Closer to U.S. Priorities
The visit from Angola’s Secretary of Defense was another example of personal diplomacy leading to strategic alignment. Angola’s historical ties to U.S. adversaries like Russia and China presented a challenge—but also an opportunity. The Arlington visit underscored the importance of shared values. Neto’s reflections on Angola’s history of conflict and his hopes for peace aligned closely with American priorities. By the end of the visit, Angola had taken steps to strengthen its cooperation with the U.S., weakening its reliance on adversarial nations.
Integrated Lesson:
Diplomacy is a long game. Moments of connection today lay the groundwork for strategic shifts tomorrow. Patience and empathy in diplomacy pave the way for long-term shifts in alliances and priorities.
The Australian Alliance: Tangible Results
The relationship I built with Deputy Prime Minister Richard Marles did not just create memorable moments—it contributed to significant events in 2024: The AUKUS Agreement
AUKUS represents a strategic shift in the Pacific, with long-term implications for regional security and global stability. While my role was supportive, the relationships I helped foster contributed to the trust that made such an agreement possible.
The Quadrilateral Meeting in Hawaii
The quadrilateral meeting between the U.S., Australia, Japan, and the Philippines was a milestone for Pacific security. Leaders from all four nations reaffirmed their commitment to regional stability, countering growing threats and fostering a vision for peace. While I did not draft the strategic agreements, I ensured that the logistics of the meeting supported meaningful collaboration. The unity in the room was palpable—the atmosphere was so powerful that people described feeling chills and hair on their arms standing up as they watched history unfold.
Later that year, AUSMIN brought together high-level defense and diplomatic leaders from both nations. Having worked with Deputy Prime Minister Marles through previous engagements, I ensured that the environment fostered open dialogue and mutual respect. The continuity of our relationship made this critical meeting seamless, reinforcing the bonds between our countries. This event highlighted how long-term relationships between individuals can make a difference in high-stakes diplomacy. Trust built over time creates a foundation for smoother collaboration, where mutual understanding takes precedence over procedural hurdles.
Integrated Lesson:
Personal diplomacy is not just about the present—it is about the future. By building relationships rooted in trust and respect, FAOs contribute to strategic outcomes that shape the global landscape. Trust transforms agreements into enduring partnerships, creating a foundation for strategic collaboration. These relationships started in the margins—in moments like that run at Stanford, where trust was built and relationships were strengthened. Later that year, DPM Marles reflected with me on how these personal connections made collaboration smoother and more impactful.
Practical Lessons and Takeaways for FAOs
Invest in Relationships: Trust is built over time, one moment at a time. Prioritize connection over formality.
Balance Protocol and Flexibility: Protocol provides structure, but adaptability creates opportunities for deeper collaboration.
Lead With Empathy: Understanding and respecting others’ values is the foundation of effective diplomacy.
Think Strategically: Every small interaction contributes to a larger narrative. Approach your work with the long game in mind.
Document Lessons Learned: Reflect on what worked, what did not, and how you can improve for future engagements.
Align on Shared Goals: Look for common values and priorities to create a foundation for collaboration.
Conclusion: The Legacy of Personal Diplomacy
Diplomacy is more than a profession—it is a responsibility. As FAOs, we are entrusted with bridging divides, fostering understanding, and building relationships that endure. This work is not always glamorous, and its impact is not always immediately visible. But over time, the moments we create—the runs, the conversations, the gestures of respect—add up to something greater. They shape policies, strengthen alliances, and, ultimately, build a safer and more connected world.
As you continue your journey as a FAO, I leave you with this challenge: explore the margins. Look for opportunities to connect, to listen, and to learn. Approach every engagement with empathy and respect, and never underestimate the power of personal diplomacy to change the world.
About the Author
Major David Sparks, U.S. Army Foreign Area Officer, serves as an Executive Liaison Agent to the Secretary of Defense and Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, fostering defense relations with foreign partners. Proficient in Mandarin Chinese and Serbo-Croatian, he holds a master’s degree from the George C. Marshall Center.
[i] Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends and Influence People, Chapter 1: "Do This and You'll Be Welcome Anywhere"
[ii] Matthew Barzun, The Power of Giving Away Power: How the Best Leaders Learn to Let Go, Chapter 2: "Constellation Makers."
[iii] Joseph Nye, Soft Power: The Means to Success in World Politics, Chapter 4: "Wielding Soft Power"
[iv] Anne-Marie Slaughter, The Chessboard and the Web, Part 2: “Strategies of Connection.”
[v] Wendy Sherman, Not for the Faint of Heart: Lessons in Courage, Power, and Persistence, Chapter 6: “Persistence.”
[vi] Joseph Nye, Soft Power, Chapter 1: “The Changing Nature of Power.”
[vii] Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends and Influence People, Chapter 4: “Be a Good Listener: Encourage Others to Talk About Themselves.”
[viii] Matthew Barzun, The Power of Giving Away Power: How the Best Leaders Learn to Let Go, Chapter 5: “Letting It Grow.”
[ix] Anne-Marie Slaughter, The Chessboard and the Web, Chapter 2: “Networks Everywhere.”
Bibliography
Barzun, Matthew. The Power of Giving Away Power: How the Best Leaders Learn to Let Go. New York: Optimism Press, 2021.
Carnegie, Dale. How to Win Friends and Influence People. New York: Simon & Schuster, 1936.
Nye, Joseph S. Soft Power: The Means to Success in World Politics. New York: PublicAffairs, 2004.
Sherman, Wendy. Not for the Faint of Heart: Lessons in Courage, Power, and Persistence. New York: PublicAffairs, 2018.
Slaughter, Anne-Marie. The Chessboard and the Web: Strategies of Connection in a Networked World. New Haven: Yale University Press, 2017.